thegrrrl2002 | New Fic, Part II

thegrrrl2002

Title: The Life You Lead
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: John/Rodney
Length: 13560 words
Summary: "This place is really weird," John said. "Can I go home now?" Not that he had any idea where home was for him.
Notes: Yes, amnesia fic. I just couldn't resist. Because I'm all about the clichés. A big thank you goes to the hard-workin'

mmmchelle, whose criticisms and encouragement made this fic much better.

***

"I turned into a bug," he said to Rodney.

"Huh?" Rodney stood in the doorway, frowning and bleary-eyed. He wore a blue bathrobe, and his hair was hair sticking up in all directions .

John felt guilty for disturbing him. But only a little. "I turned into a bug. A big, ugly blue bug. It was gross."

"Oh, right." Rodney rubbed his eyes and blinked. "Reading mission reports again?"

"They're the stuff of nightmares," John said, nodding. "I saw the pictures--my eyes were all weird and my skin went all scaly and blue."

Rodney stepped aside so John could come in. "Not a good look for you, granted. But we did cure you."

"At the cost of the lives of two marines."

"Yes, very unfortunate but--" With a furtive look, Rodney waited for the door to slide shut. "John, we were going into a dangerous situation, and they were well aware the risks. We all were."

"I know, I know--"

"You were being transformed right in front of our eyes, we had to do something."

John shook his head and paced the length of Rodney's small room. There were pictures on the wall, photos of Rodney receiving awards, and one photo in the center of a blonde woman with a small child. John thought maybe she looked a little familiar, especially her broad, happy smile. "Do I know her?" he asked.

Rodney sat at a small desk and fiddled with his computer. "Who--uh, yes. Jeannie. She's my sister."

"So I've met her?"

"Yes, she was here a few months back. Do you remember her?"

John squinted at the image, searching the blank spaces in his mind for a glimmer of recognition, the tiniest scrap of a memory, but there was nothing.

"No," he said, turning away from the photo. "Nothing. I guess maybe she just looks like you." He gazed at Rodney before turning back. That was probably it, the shape of her face, the jaw, the eyes, all softer in the feminine form.

"Oh." Disappointment showed in the slope of Rodney's shoulders and John wanted to rest his hands on them.

"Did we do this a lot?"

"What? You waking me up in the middle of the night with inane observations?"

"It's only 2100 and no, I mean me, in your room. Wandering around."

A quick guilty look, then Rodney pushed back his chair and rose to his feet, closing his computer. "Yes, well, sometimes." He didn't meet John's eyes. Again.

John stared at Rodney's rumpled bed, long white curtains drifting down on either side of it. "What else did we do?" When Rodney didn't answer, he turned and closed the space between them. "Tell me."

Rodney backed away, eyes widening. "We did--stuff. You know, you taught me to fire a gun properly, to--"

Just like his memories, Rodney was slipping out of his grasp, and John was sick of it, sick of everything being just out of his reach. He advanced further on Rodney, until Rodney's back was against the wall, one foot tangled in his curtains. Rodney raised his hands and John pressed in until those hands were planted firmly on his chest and his lips were inches away from Rodney's lips.

Rodney didn't push him away.

"What did we do, Rodney?" John curled his hands over Rodney's wrists. Rodney's robe gapped open, exposing the collar of a worn tee-shirt and the skin of his throat above it. "Tell me."

"Okay." Rodney's lips quirked to one side, then he slid his hands up John's chest in a soft caress. "Maybe we did, um, do something like this, but--"

John touched his lips to Rodney's. Only a brief touch, but enough to find out that Rodney's lips were warm and soft, like he imagined they would be.

"John." A brush of eyelashes against John's cheek and then Rodney kissed John back, hard, one hand sliding up to cup John's cheek. "You might not really want to do this."

John took Rodney's hand and brought it down to his crotch, pressing it against the swell of his erection. "Explain that, then."

Rodney ducked his head, but still his fingers closed over John's cock. "It's not that simple."

John mouthed the side of his neck. "I know what I want, Rodney."

Rodney gasped. "Stop--I can't think when you do that."

"Good." John nuzzled in to find Rodney lips and kissed him again. With a small noise Rodney yielded, kissing him sweetly. Finally, after watching Rodney and needing and wanting without always knowing what or why, this felt right, like a puzzle piece falling into place, filling the emptiness in his mind with the sheer joy of touching.

Then Rodney broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead against John's. "This might not be the best idea--"

John slipped his hands inside Rodney's robe, spreading it open. "Feels like it to me."

"The you you are now thinks that way, but when you're back to being really you, you might not think so, because--well, you might be a little bit peeved over our last discussion."

Rodney was warm beneath his robe, irresistibly warm and John couldn't stop running his hands over Rodney's chest and down his sides and oh yeah, boxers--Rodney was wearing thin cotton boxers that did nothing to hide his erection and fuck that was hot. "Rodney, what if I'm always the me I am now? Even after I remember?"

"No, no listen--" Rodney pulled John's hands away from his cock.

Undeterred, John took Rodney's hands and placed them on the wall above his head and then flattened his body against Rodney's. Full body contact, it was even better than merely having his hands on Rodney and maybe finally he was close enough. John took shameless advantage and rubbed his hips against Rodney's, making Rodney moan with pleasure and that was an even bigger turn on. Rodney wanted him. "I need this," John whispered, his lips grazing Rodney's ear. "Please."

"Crap. That's so not fair." And with that, Rodney capitulated, his arms encircling John. "Promise me that you won't get mad when you remember who I am?"

"Maybe."

"Hey--"

John cut Rodney off with him mouth, kissing him quiet and began tugging the robe from his shoulders.Naked, he needed Rodney naked right now. John kissed him as the robe hit the floor and kissed him some more as he tucked his hands into Rodney's boxers and dragged them down over Rodney's hips. He even tried to kiss Rodney while pulling Rodney's shirt off over his head, and finally Rodney sputtered and pushed him away.

"Okay, here, let me--" Rodney pulled his own shirt off and John did the same, kicking his shoes off while staring at Rodney because Rodney was beautiful, naked and beautiful, wide chest with little nipples and a hard cock jutting out from between his legs and John wanted it all and fuck, he didn't even know what Rodney liked and he should know that and how could he possibly not want this?

"Rodney," he said, because he was sorry that he didn't know what he was doing but Rodney seemed to understand.

"Come here," Rodney said, tugging John down onto the bed.

John climbed over him, kissing him, sucking his neck, licking his chest and reaching down to take hold of Rodney's cock. When he sucked a nipple, Rodney moaned, writhing beneath him and reaching for John's pants. "Take these off," he insisted. "Come on."

"Oh." John rested his cheek on Rodney's chest and took a breath. Then pushed himself back and sat up to unfasten his pants. "Works better that way, huh?"

Rodney lay back and smiled up at him. "Last I checked."

John touched Rodney's chest, trailing a finger along the patch of hair and then down over his ribs. His finger slid over a small, white scar. "Gunshot," he said.

"Hmm? Oh that. You shot me."

John's hand froze in place. "I what?"

"Granted, you didn't realize it was me," Rodney continued. "There was this device that the wraith modified so that it totally messed with our minds."

"I shot you," John repeated.

Rodney nodded. "It was kind of annoying."

"Damn it, do I ever shoot anyone other than my own people?" John asked.

"Yes, yes. " Rodney sat up as John pulled back. "You shoot lots of wraith. And Genii. We have all kinds of enemies for you to shoot."

"That doesn't make me feel any better." John swallowed, then ran a hand down Rodney's side. "Rodney, I don't--"

"What?" Rodney asked.

"I don't think I want to remember who I am," John admitted. "I'm some kind of nutcase--I shot you. I shot and killed my commanding officer. I lost my first lieutenant, Ford--he's out there wandering around the galaxy and I couldn't even get him back. I--I turned into a damn bug--"

Rodney blanched at the last item. "No, no, it's not like that. Believe me, you want to know who John Sheppard is. Because you're--you're you. I mean, come on, we couldn't have survived here without you. Any of us."

John shook his head. "I don't think I belong here."

Rodney grabbed his shoulders. "John, trust me when I say you love it here, and there's no place else you'd rather be. And we need you."

So very earnest, and John didn't know what to say. "But--I shot you," he finally managed.

"Ah," Rodney held up a finger. "But I gave you hell for it." He looked so proud of himself John couldn't help but laugh, a soft huff of laughter that made Rodney smile in return. "And let me tell you right now that there's a scar on my ass, from an arrow that you didn't shoot. Although you did make very bad jokes about it."

"Oh, thank you, I feel much better now," John said.

"Just--come here," Rodney said, pulling John into his arms. "I'm not very good at this, am I?"

"Yeah, well, me neither." John rested his head on Rodney's shoulder. After a moment he wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist, burrowing his face into Rodney's neck. Rodney smelled good, freshly showered with a lingering hint of soap and it was oddly reassuring--a normal, everyday scent. Especially in light of his first experience with Rodney, he would have never expected to would end up finding such comfort in him but it made a crazy kind of sense that they were together before and for them to be together now, naked and cuddling. When Rodney pulled him down onto the bed the cuddling got even better, with Rodney's thigh sliding between his legs. All that touching, nose to nose, sharing the same pillow, trading delicate kisses and it all at once it was a heck of a lot more than merely reassuring.

John wrapped his fingers around Rodney's cock, and it swelled in his hands. "Nice," he said.

Rodney grinned. "Well, you have that effect on me." He reached for John's and gave it a firm stroke, making John gasp with pleasure.

And then it was effortless--firm, steady strokes and Rodney's cock felt good in his hand, heavy and sleek. John knew how to do this, how to rub his thumb under the head, flatting his palm over the top, how to make Rodney pant and moan and all the while Rodney stroked him in return, until John couldn't think anymore, he could only feel and touch and kiss and then finally his brain went off-line completely and he came, open mouth pressed against Rodney's cheek.

"Oh god--Rodney--" He gave one last shudder, thrusting his hips against Rodney, wet and messy and he lost his grip on Rodney's cock and he wanted to make Rodney come, damn it. "Sorry, sorry."

He reached for Rodney's cock again but Rodney pushed his arm away and kissed him, then Rodney kissed him, then rolled on top, "No, no, this is good, let me just--"

His cock slid over John's slippery skin. John spread his legs and pushed up, grabbing hold of Rodney's ass as Rodney ground down, moaning and thrusting and clinging to John's shoulders and then his body went still as warm fluid flooded over John's stomach.

"Oh god, that's good, that's perfect," Rodney said, low and heartfelt as he trembled against John.

John decided he liked making Rodney sound like that--it felt like a job well done. He petted Rodney's back, and Rodney went limp on him, a heavy weight but John didn't mind, Rodney needed a chance to relax, almost as much as he did. And it felt good--Rodney, solid and real and John wasn't particularly in the mood to move himself. He was happy to simply lie there and drift, mindless and relaxed.

Then Rodney breathed in sharply, lifting his head and blinking at John. "Uh, sorry, I think I, um, dozed."

John grinned at Rodney's befuddled state. It was pretty damn cute--and cute was one thing he hadn't expected from him. He pulled Rodney down into a kiss. "Yes, you did."

Rodney nodded, then slid off to one side. "Mmmm. Messy." Fumbling for his discarded tee-shirt, he used it to wipe John clean, then scrubbed at his own belly.

John realized he no idea what was supposed to happen next. "So, uh, I suppose I should let you get some sleep," he said, sitting up and swinging his feet over the side of the bed.

"What? Oh come on, stay here," Rodney said, tossing the shirt aside. "You might get the urge to read more mission reports or something."

"They're supposed to help jog my memory, Rodney." Although, John was tired, and those reports were kind of freaky. Rodney was sleepy and naked and utterly appealing as he held the covers open for John and waited with a hopeful expression.

"You can jog it tomorrow?"

After a moment's hesitation, John slid in underneath. "Good point." Rodney switched off the light and pressed his big warm body close, kissing John with a happy little hum. Then he tucked his head on John's chest and promptly fell asleep. His steady breathing lulled John and soon he slept, too, exhausted from the day's activities.

***
John woke the following morning to find himself wrapped around Rodney, spooned up behind him with his arm around Rodney's waist, his nose tucked into the back of Rodney's neck, clinging to Rodney like he was a lifeline.

Maybe he was.

Rodney must have been already awake, because when John nuzzled the back of his neck, Rodney placed a hand over his, their fingers intertwining. "Do we do this?" John whispered, even though he was pretty sure they did.

"As much as possible," Rodney answered, voice rough from sleep. He turned to face John, eyeing him intently before adding, "What, you thought it was only about the hot sex?"

"No," John said, maybe a little quickly.

"Well, it's not." Rodney seemed insulted, as if John should have somehow known. He was scowling, cheeks shadowed and unshaven, eyes intense and John found it startlingly sexy.

"Good. How long have we been, um--" John wasn't sure what to call it. Dating? Where they dating? "Together?"

"Couple of months." Rodney said scowl fading into a hint of a smile, as if remembering something fondly.

"And nobody else knows, do they?"

Rodney closed his eyes. "No, and I hate that. And now--you don't even know."

"Rodney, I--"

"I know, I know." Rodney leaned and kissed John lightly. "Still nothing huh?"

"Nope. Nothing. " John pulled his hand free and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, streaked with morning sun. "What, you thought the sex it would make it all come back to me?"

"It would have been nice, yes."

John felt a prickle of annoyance. "Well, sorry, it didn't." He wondered if Rodney always drove him this crazy. Didn't Rodney say something about a disagreement? It would figure.

Rodney rested a hand on John's chest. "Hey, maybe we need to try again?"

"More sex?" John asked, annoyance dissipating rapidly. "Gosh, I'm not sure."

Rodney pushed up on an elbow and peered down at John. "Kidding, right?"

"Well," John ran a hand up onto Rodney's shoulders. He had nice shoulders, really nice shoulders. "Heightmeyer said I need to stay calm and relaxed."

"I know just the thing." Rodney stroked down John's chest, hand gliding down onto John's stomach. Then he hesitated. "Seriously--you want to?"

Sometimes, Rodney was utterly ridiculous. "Yes," John said emphatically. He pulled Rodney down into a kiss.

And then Rodney proceeded to drive him crazy all over again, warm, wet mouth sucking on his neck, his collarbone, his nipples, bristly cheeks scratching at his skin, the combined sensations making John writhe and moan with delight. Rodney took his time, too, nipping at John's belly, moving to suck on a hipbone, leaving John hard and aching as he became distracted by the hand stroking his hair. He turned to suck John's fingers into his mouth, and John watched, desperately wanting to remember all the times they had done this, he wanting to remember every last detail about Rodney, their first kiss and their last fight and whether they fucked and everything in between. Then Rodney's mouth closed over his cock and John fell back onto the pillow and didn't think about anything at all.

***

A quick stop into the infirmary for a checkup and then John hurried to the mess. He was starving, and there were pancakes and bacon and orange juice and all kinds of good things piled up waiting for him. Heading for the nearest empty table, he was so intent on getting down to eating that he didn't notice Heightmeyer was standing across from him until she spoke.

"May I join you, Colonel?"

John glanced up as he shoved a piece of buttered toast into his mouth. "Mmm," he nodded his head, indicated she should sit. "Sure."

"Feeling a little better?" She smiled as she surveyed his tray.

"Kind of hungry, so I guess yeah, a little better than I've been."

"Hopefully this won't last much longer for you. You do seem to be a little more centered, more at ease."

John stopped, face growing warm. He wondered if he looked like he just had sex. Really good sex with a really hot guy. Was that the same as being 'centered'? "Um, yeah. I've been--getting used to it all."

"Teyla told me the meditation didn't go well," Heightmeyer said. "Would you consider giving it another try?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea," John said, shaking his head. He felt less like sitting still than ever. "We did do some sparring, and turns out I was able to do it, like my body remembered even though my mind didn't. That's pretty cool, don't you think?"

He didn't mention that it turned out he was also very capable when it came to giving blowjobs.

"That's good," Heightmeyer said. "That's very good. Maybe you should focus on the physical, especially if it has the side benefit of a relaxed feeling afterwards. It would help ease any tension."

John pointed at her, nodding. "Yes. I agree. Absolutely."

"All right." She rose from the table. "And remember, my door is always open, if you need to talk."

***
John visited Rodney in the lab after breakfast, feeling a little embarrassed but he simply wanted to see Rodney again. Asking about the device was a pretext since he already knew everything he needed to know about the damn thing. But it was comforting and familiar to listen to their new findings. Radek and Rodney took turns explaining how it worked. It was almost like a tennis match, back and forth between them, Radek completely unaffected by Rodney's more obnoxious comments.

"Do you think it really made a copy of my mind?" John asked. It was an unsettling thought, all his secrets, sitting right there.

Radek nodded. "It's meant to gather knowledge, and yes, at least I think so." He glared over his glasses at Rodney, who was already shaking his head.

"No, no, no," Rodney insisted. "The machine had been damaged--probably a wraith attack--and if it did, it probably has some useless jumbled information on old movies and--and--golf, for god's sake."

"Hey, what's wrong with golf?" John had seen the clubs in his room so obviously he played, not that he had seen a course anywhere in the city.

"Um--" Rodney's face reddened. "Hey, wasn't Ronon looking for you earlier? He said something about going for a run."

John narrowed his eyes at Rodney, but Rodney turned to device and began carefully examining the crystals. "You know we could probably recycle some of these."

"No, there you are incorrect, Rodney," Radek crouched next to him. "The interface is all wrong."

"Rodney?"

"Hmm?" Rodney rose up again to face John.

"This afternoon--do you think you can spare some time to--uh, Heightmeyer suggested we do stuff together, because it would..." John raised his eyebrows and looked hopeful.

"Oh. Oh," Rodney said. "That. Yes, of course."

Radek turned away, attention suddenly focused on a loose wire.

Subtle, John thought. And Rodney really thought no one knew about them? "Come by my quarters at 1500 hours?" John asked.

Rodney glanced at his watch and nodded, his head bobbing up and down rapidly. "Yes, Colonel, that would be fine." He flashed John a quick grin.

John nodded. "Good. I'm going go find Ronon now."

***

Another long run, and then sparring with Teyla left John feeling wiped out and yet content. He even read another mission report--not so scary this time. They had managed to rescue almost the entire population of a planet right before an enormous volcano erupted. Not only that, but they did it in a great big spaceship. Which he flew.

Very cool.

Still feeling good, showered, pulled on some clean clothes and crashed on his bed. He had a few hours before meeting up with Rodney. Closing his eyes, he thought that yeah, he had a good team. Brave and smart, they excelled in areas where he didn't, and while he was smart enough to know that's what made a good team, it still felt strange to think that they looked up to him as a leader. But maybe being John Sheppard wasn't such a bad thing after all, if he had a chance to save people. Plus, Ronon and Teyla stayed with them in Atlantis voluntarily--they could leave, go elsewhere in the galaxy but they chose to be part of his team. And Rodney, who made him laugh and made him mad and shared his bed and maybe even loved him.

***
John woke with a start, confused. He hadn't realized he dozed, hadn't intended to sleep. It was still light out, late afternoon sun bright against his curtains, and the clock indicated that he had a half hour till Rodney's visit. He wished he was already with Rodney, pressed up against him, wrapped around Rodney's solid, stocky body. It was a good way to wake up. Funny, Rodney wasn't John's usual type, he had always preferred the slim, athletic kind of guy.

Rolling onto his back, John closed his eyes again, drifting into thoughts of his hand sliding down a slim flat stomach, narrow hips and an erect cock bulging against baggy jeans, such a thrill to touch another boy for the first time, to finally have it all make sense--

John's eyes flew open.

Brian? Bobby? His first, the boy who lived down the street. Bill?

The name didn't matter. What mattered was that he could still see it, it didn't slip away from him. They were in the woods behind his house--oh god, his house, the yellow house with the back porch--

John sat up, heart pounding. His mother served them cold Jell-O with fruit in it on hot summer days and his father painted the back steps that summer and his neighbor had three dogs that barked all the time and it made John's head hurt, and his chest, too because they were gone, long gone. He buried his face in his hands. Holland, bleeding all over him, dying and there was nothing he could do, just like with Sumner.

Memories flooded back and John was sure he was going to burst at the seams. So many of them, good and bad, horrifying and astounding. The chair in Antarctica, lighting up for him, stepping into the puddle of light for the first time, and Rodney. Rodney arguing with him, Rodney's hands flying as he launched into an explanation, Rodney kissing him. And Rodney storming away from him in a huff, leaving John in an empty bed, that ass, because--because--

John leapt up from the bed and stumbled out into the hallway, mind reeling but he knew which door he was heading for and damn it, Rodney had better be in there.

The door opened up for him, but the room was empty. Then John heard the shower running. He stalked into the steamy bathroom and yanked the shower door open, exposing a very startled, and very wet, naked Rodney.

"You are such a jerk," John told him. "Curling?"

Rodney's eyes widened, then his hands went to his hips. "Yes, curling. It's a real sport. Not like golf and it's about time you acknowledged that."

"No way." John pointed a finger at him. "Not until you agree that golf is a real sport and you've never even played it so how could you know?"

Rodney's chin went up. "I don't need to." Then his jaw dropped. Literally. "Oh my god--John?"

John nodded, and he couldn't hold back the broad grin. "Yup."

Rodney's face lit up bright with relief and joy and then he was out of the shower and pulling John into a fierce, wet hug, squeezing him tight, so tight that John's chest constricted and his throat began to hurt.

"Rodney," John whispered, wrapping his arms around Rodney's warm, slippery body. "I remember--everything."

"Thank god." Rodney squeezed him tighter, crushing John against his body.

Swallowing with some difficulty, John added, "And you're a big jerk, going off in a huff like that," but his voice was tremulous and not all that convincing to own ears.

"Oh god, I was so stupid. Can we just forget we ever got into it?" Rodney kissed John's neck.

"I don't ever want to forget anything again." The thought of it made him tighten his hold on Rodney.

"Oh, right. Um, golf is a fine, fine sport, okay? A really good sport. Especially with the pants."

John started to laugh.

Rodney eased his grip. "I like that," he said, smiling as he traced the curve of John's lips with a finger. "Seriously though, I'm sorry. It was such a stupid fight and sometimes I get all--you know--because I'm afraid it's all going to end badly between us and I--," One hand fluttered in the air as Rodney tried to find the words. "I think we have something pretty good going on."

"Rodney, I knew that even when I didn't know it."

Rodney frowned at him, water dripping down his nose. "That doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't have to. Kind of like golf," John couldn't help adding.

Rodney looked sheepish, then kissed John, tender and sweet.

"Seriously, I was mad at you," John insisted.

Rodney nodded, and kissed him again.

"Yeah." John relaxed into Rodney's nakedness. "I'll get over it. I suppose I was a bit of jerk, too."

None it mattered, really, none of the silly fighting because Rodney was wet and naked in his arms, kissing him as if he couldn't get enough of John's mouth. Then Rodney tried to pull away.

"I guess we tell Elizabeth, huh? And Carson and everyone."

John stopped him, a hand on his arm. "Soon." He stroked Rodney's arm, fingers brushing over the tiny wet hairs.

"Oh." Rodney brightened. "And in the meanwhile?"

"My clothes are all wet," John pointed out.

Rodney looked him over. "They are. My fault." He didn't look sorry at all.

"I really should get out of them."

Rodney's smile was as brilliant as John remembered. "I think that it's only right that I help you." After a moment he added, "John."

"Yeah," John said. "That's me." And that wasn't such a bad thing to be.

It was actually pretty damn good.