thegrrrl2002 | Some Post-Condemned Nonsense

thegrrrl2002

What can I say?

mmmchelle inspired me with their bastard fic. *g* Of course, theirs were hot and porny and sweet, while mine is just kind of silly. I tried to go with the porn, really, I did, but I ended up with this instead.

*****

John stared at his computer screen in dismay. A form? He had to fill out an actual form?

"Oh, please, don't tell me you aren't done with your report yet." Rodney said, marching unannounced into John's quarters.

"No, I--yeah, my report is done with." John shook his head slowly. He turned to Rodney. "Caldwell just sent me some paperwork regarding Dex. Can you believe the airforce actually has a form for justifying the inclusion of 'Non-Earth Natives' in Stargate teams?"

"Ouch." Rodney leaned over John's shoulder, squinting at his screen. "Although, nothing the air force does surprises me. Especially when it comes to paperwork." Rodney's breath tickled John's neck as he spoke.

"Please complete items A-W," John read aloud, "in order to justify how the the Non-Earth Native (NEN) will provide the proper balance of skill levels necessary to a support productive, economical work unit to accomplish the assigned mission and function of the organization. Use as many continuation pages as necessary." John sighed heavily.

"Ah, the burdens of command." Rodney nuzzled the side of John's neck. "Maybe you can take care of this later? I can think of better things to do at the moment."

John closed his eyes. Rodney's lips had a way of making his brain shut down, and that wasn't good, not right now. He twisted away from Rodney's touch. "I can think of a thousand better things to do, too. Starting and ending with you. Just let me get this first part filled in, okay?"

"Which part? Item A?" Rodney pointed to the screen. "That's easy. NEN's place of birth. Use codes from POR Memo 34B for system, planet, continent, country, city. Okay, maybe not so easy. They didn't leave a space for specifying which galaxy. See? These forms are already outdated. It's so like the air force, isn't it?"

John rubbed his eyes. He didn't have POR Memo 34B. "You know, sometimes I wish we had never regained contact with Earth."

"Oh, right. You'd rather we all be cocooned up in hive ships?"

"Listen, Rodney, I said *sometimes*. Not always, not 'oh, I wish the wraith had destroyed Atlantis and made a Thanksgiving dinner out of all of us'."

"No need to get testy," Rodney rebuked, as if he were the epitome of the cool, calm and collected response.

"I am not testy."

"Oh, okay. Excuse me, my mistake." Rodney patted John's shoulder."I have an idea. Why don't you close down the file and work on this form tomorrow morning?"

"Because I have to do it now, that's why."

"The forms can wait. Dex is already on the team. Thank goodness." Rodney leaned in closer and delicately licked the edge of John's ear.

John's dick hardened, and he fought the urge to breathe in sharply. "What do you mean, thank goodness? And can you please go away? The sooner I get this done, the less I have to worry about some high-handed decision overriding my own."

Rodney straightened up. "All right. Fine. How far away? May I remind you, we just got beaten and tied up, not to mention plus the whole narrow escape and brush with death thing. We should be having sex right now."

His voice had taken on a whining tone, the one John found oddly sexy. Much like Rodney himself. He relented. "Not too far. Let me just do this one section, okay? Item L: Unique Skills or Talents (USOT) Possessed by the NEN."

"Oh, that one's easy," Rodney said. "He's big, scary, and extremely intimidating. More than the rest of us put together."

John reached for the keyboard, about to type, then pulled his hands back. "Wait--are you saying I'm not big and scary?" He turned and scowled at Rodney, who was sitting on the bed and removing his shoes.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying." Rodney unzipped his shirt and pulled it off over his head, revealing a broad chest with small, unreasonably appealing nipples. "Well, okay, there have been times, when you've achieved scary. But big and intimidating? Sorry, no. Dex, though--wow, he's intimidating." He began unfastening his pants.

Eyes narrowed, John turned back to his computer. "Gee, thanks Rodney."

"You're welcome."

John drummed his fingers on the desk. Unique skills. Hell, he didn't know what Dex was capable of yet. He skipped down to the next section. Item M: Alliances. That one was easy. He typed in "none", then paused. No, that wasn't right, was it? Maybe he should put "Atlantis" down instead. He deleted his response.

"Hey, for Item L?" Rodney said. "Don't forget 'good with weapons'. And hand-to-hand. Also? The one-word grunted replies? Very effective in creating an aura of sheer menace."

"That's enough, Rodney," John snapped. He turned to see Rodney sprawled decadently on his back, naked, hands clasped under his head and a foot propped up on a bent knee. Pale-skinned, with a thick, muscled body, and John knew just how good it felt wrapped around him.

"Just trying to assist you in completing this inane report," Rodney said, evidently offended that John didn't appreciate his help. "So we can get on with our lives and have sweaty, life-affirming sex."

John returned to his form. Item D: NEN's Current Age (Convert to EBSY Units)

Sweaty, life-affirming sex.

Item E: NEN's Mother's Maiden Name. If necessary, translate into nearest English alphabet approximation.

Sweaty, life-affirming sex with Rodney, those big, broad hands sliding over him, making him--

"Do you think he has a really big dick?" Rodney asked.

John froze. "What?"

"Dex. I mean, big like in proportion to the rest of him. He's a bigger than usual guy, so do you think other parts of him are bigger than usual, too?"

John pushed his chair back and stood up. Slowly. "I don't know, why don't you ask him?"

"Please. It's just idle speculation." But Rodney had his hand over his solidly erect dick, stroking it with long fingers.

John advanced on him. "Oh, is it?"

Rodney watched him for a moment, expression speculative. Then he wagged a finger at John. "You know, right at this moment? You're kind of scary. Almost...menacing."

"Damn right I am," John told him, secretly pleased.

Rodney nodded. "Yes, yes. Very..." his voice trailed off, and his gaze slid down to John's crotch. "Hmm. Think you might want to fuck me?"

The hell with the paperwork. John pulled his shirt off. "And you sure it's *my* dick you want?"

Rodney met his gaze. "Are you sure you don't want to finish that paperwork first?" One corner of his mouth began to curve into a grin.

"You're a real sneaky bastard sometimes, you know that?" John growled.

Rodney nodded, reaching an arm out. "But a lucky one," he said quietly, pulling John down onto the bed.