Ah, apartment living...

[thegrrrl2002]

So, last night, I drag myself off the couch at around 11:00 to get ready for bed. I realize I'm hearing a strange dripping sound in the bathroom. I turn on the light, stare at the tub, but there's nothing leaking--the showerhead, the faucet, nothing. Everything's shut tight. My groggy brain is trying to figure out what is going on when I feel a drop of water hit my head. I look up at the ceiling to find that our light fixture is filled with water. Almost to the bulbs.

All I could think was that I wasn't getting to bed anytime soon.

Dragged the husband out of bed, held the bucket and flashlight while he unscrewed the big glass bowl thingy (actually, for such a crappy old bathroom, it has one mighty cool old-timey light fixture). The guys upstairs weren't home, but when I put my ear to the door I could hear dripping in their bathroom. (The bathrooms are right across from the front door. A very strange layout.)

By time we got things squared away in our bathroom, bucket in place, yadda yadda, the guys came home, and we found out their toilet was running and had overflowed. Nothing gross, thank goodness. But it was after midnight when I finally fell into bed. So I'm tired. Way tired.

Before I went to bed, though, I amused myself by watching soft-core porn on Cinemax. We seem to have been blessed with a free preview week or something. God, it was bad. The most unerotic sex ever. I had to watch with the sound off, because I couldn't bear to listen to the dialog. But I've come to conclusion that clearly, I'm not doing the sex thing right. I don't toss my hair around nearly enough, or make pouty lip face the whole time. Nor do I touch my own breasts constantly, which seems to be a requirement nobody told me about. I thought that was my husband's job, one that he seems to enjoy, but according to Cinemax, all women must touch their own breasts.

I'm thinking it might be because the guy is afraid of the Cinemax Breasts. The Cinemax Breasts look so stiff and pointy and hard, just two big lumps on a skinny little ribcage. They don't move, no matter what position the woman is in--sideways, upside down, on her back. They probably don't even get all squished up when she's on her stomach, but just leave two identical cone-shaped holes in the mattress. Scary stuff.

I wonder what's going to be on tonight?

Comments

[nicci-mac.livejournal.com]

thinking it might be because the guy is afraid of the Cinemax Breasts. The Cinemax Breasts look so stiff and pointy and hard, just two big lumps on a skinny little ribcage. They don't move, no matter what position the woman is in--sideways, upside down, on her back. They probably don't even get all squished up when she's on her stomach, but just leave two identical cone-shaped holes in the mattress. Scary stuff.

Peeing self laughing here! And its all so true!

When water runs

[kylielee1000.livejournal.com]

Somehow, this reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the other garage door instead of closing mine, and I didn't notice, and it was really cold, and in the morning I thought, "Ooops!" and went off to teach and didn't think about it, but when I came home, there was a thin line of water coming from underneath the garage door, because a pipe had frozen and burst and was spraying water all over the place. All over the place.

So I had to turn the water off (while not getting electrocuted, because plugged-in appliances were in standing water and there were, you know, light fixtures suspended from the ceiling with water pouring off them) and call a plumber. Except there were no plumbers, because--really cold, right? Everyone's pipes had burst. We finally got a guy to come out and fix it, and it cost, like, $45, which amazed me. I would have given him much more money. But he doesn't need to know that.

The drywall in the garage hasn't been the same since. Nor have the light fixtures. And my husband to this day makes what he seems to think are jokes about this event. I'm just glad it flooded the utility room and the garage and not something important like my office. ::hugs computer protectively::

I'm not doing the sex thing right. I don't toss my hair around nearly enough, or make pouty lip face the whole time. Nor do I touch my own breasts constantly.

Why don't you compromise? You can do the hair tossing and the pouty lip thing and the breast manipulation next time you're being taped, but until then, just let it go. If your husband feels strongly about things like this, I'm sure he'll let you know.

Fake breasts are so unerotic and weird. I so don't get them. I'd be afraid to touch them too. But I also don't like skinny. I like zaftig in women, and in men I like what maybe you would call "sturdy."

Re: When water runs

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, you're killing me with the frozen pipe thing. I would have been so mortified. I'd probably insist that the remote thingy had malfunctioned. What a mess. I still can't believe it cost only $45. Isn't that what they charge to simply answer the phone? Not to begrudge plumbers the bucks, though. More power to them.

I'm sure you're just thrilled by your husband's "jokes", too. LOL!

As for hair tossing, I did ask husband if I should be doing more of that, and of course he informed me I needed more hair to do it with. Because, as you remember, I got it happily cut to chin length a while back. (it seems much longer already). He mourned the loss of the 'tresses' for days. (Even though I smacked his ass and told him to quit with the sighing already).

And yes, sturdy is a good thing (says the not-exactly-frail-flower-of-womanhood herself).

Now you made me realize I haven't backed up my computer onto my little flash-drive pen thingy. Which is rather fun since it has a cool blinky red light thing on the end of it. I'm going to go do that right now. ::stares at ceiling worriedly::

Re: When water runs

[kylielee1000.livejournal.com]

I still can't believe it cost only $45. Isn't that what they charge to simply answer the phone?

Perhaps in a Big City, like where you live, but in a Little Town--guess not. He was here for less than a half hour. He found the spot where the pipe burst, removed bits of the ceiling, cut off the three-inch section of copper pipe with the break, and replaced it.

He was a cute plumber, too, blond and young and handy. We liked him and his reasonable rates so well that we invited him into our home a few months later to replace all the plumbing fixtures.

[agentotter.livejournal.com]

See, this is yet another reason for a slash kink. I'm not a huge porn fan or anything, but when I do amuse myself with it, it's always gay porn. Straight porn is full of women who just stepped off a street corner (in Beverly Hills, where they can afford that kind of surgery) and is, IMO, generally degrading to women. Gay porn? The guys are usually at least attractive, if not beautiful, and they look like actual guys. You know, that I might see at my supermarket. If I was lucky. ;)

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

I suppose there's something for everyone out there, but yeah, most straight porn isn't made with women in mind. I guess that's why we're doing our thing here.

Porny gay pictures are fun to look at, though, aren't they?

[reedfem.livejournal.com]

You have such a knack for crawling into my head and pulling thoughts out of it. I have the same reaction to most porn. DH seems to enjoy it but I'm too freaked by the "acting" to do more than gape at it like a spectator at an accident. I'm pretty sure it's not the hair tossing or breast fondling that he'd like more of. Uh, yeah. And those breasts are definitely scary.

Of what I have seen, gay male porn offends me the least. Should that be a problem? Perhaps its the lack of silicone? I mean, where would they put it? Okay, that was an ugly mental image. And now I have AC/DC songs running through my head.

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, porny. ::stares at icon::

Oh, um, yeah. Porn. A lot of it is bad and soft core porn, even badder, I think (not that I've seen much of the hardcore stuff). Lots of panting and ACTING, and I crack up at how they change positions so often. Like they're going through a list. Plus it tries so hard to be unoffensive that it ends up incredibly boring.

[gigitrek.livejournal.com]

crack up at how they change positions so often. Like they're going through a list.

"Dammit, Tyfani, if you don't speed it up we won't make it through numbers 18 to 27 before my chest waxing appointment!"

"Well, Dirk, you try heaving these things around. They're like huge sacks of frozen Jello. Something I notice you don't have a problem with."

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

::snort::

So that's what happens when the director says 'cut'. I always thought so.

[kylielee1000.livejournal.com]

Perhaps its the lack of silicone? I mean, where would they put it?

I know! I know the answer to this! ::waves hand excitedly::

They put it in their six-packs. They make implants for this, for that sculpted look. The gay male demographic is the biggest market for such implants.

[raqs.livejournal.com]

I find a lot of porn hilarious and will watch almost any of it, but I do find myself distracted by production details. I find myself wondering: is this one of those women who's had her lower rib removed? If not, why is her waist so tiny? Where does she keep her liver? I can't see a scar, but then I can't see a scar from the boob job, either, and THAT's clearly in the past.

And was this script the final draft? Does the director hate the writer? Does he write his own stuff? Has he ever written anything? What movies does he watch? Has he ever learned anything about directing? Where did he come up with this camera angle?

On Cinemax I'm also fascinated by the lengths to which they'll go to hide actual genitals. After a while I have the disturbing feeling I'm watching Barbie dolls fucking. Then I have to watch something else.

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

Where does she keep her liver?

LOL! Really. These women are so damn tiny, yet have this big, ugly boobs grafted onto their ribs. It's scary. I find myself distracted by the details of their bodies, too. Look at the size of those nipples! Hey, that woman, those might even be real. Lady, please, touch up the roots before getting in front of the camera.

And let's not talk about wacky, artsy camera angles. So silly.

On Cinemax I'm also fascinated by the lengths to which they'll go to hide actual genitals. After a while I have the disturbing feeling I'm watching Barbie dolls fucking.

That's it! That's why it was so weird looking. The guy had no dick! And she had no vagina! How do they have sex that way? It's so posed and goofy. And yet I watched it, for a little while at least. He was kind of pretty, after all.

[artifuss.livejournal.com]

but according to Cinemax, all women must touch their own breasts.

Damn. Maybe I should be taking notes, lol. I had no idea that was part of the criteria. :)

Cinemax Breasts look so stiff and pointy and hard, just two big lumps on a skinny little ribcage.
That, um... sounds lethal, lol. The dude would have to be careful not to poke his eye out... then again, the eye patch may boost his porn career. ;)

but just leave two identical cone-shaped holes in the mattress.
rofl :D